Equity

i bought a house.

i thought that would fix 

the howling

in my head

and finally give me

peace

and carpet.

and i should have known

that i will never 

ever 

not wonder what if

and fill in the blanks

with all of the things

that howl on bad nights

and moan on terrible nights

and whisper at random

times throughout the days

at mundane times

catch me off-guard

not ready

but always

knowing

that i'm not quite home

and peace

is not for girls like me

and maybe

we just learn to live with that

and get better at blanking out

instead of trying to fill

in all of the blank

spaces

with faces

from lives gone by

and change of address

forms that i filled out

so excited

and so ready to

stay

for a change.