from deep within the throes of boredom...

Soooo... i was hoping you will laugh at this nonsense... since you also seem to delight in the random and ridiculous. At least, i think you do...since you made it to my blog, not bored with my shit... yet. ;)

Yeah, i admit it- despite my best attempts, my inner-nerd will not be silenced. sucks for you, my dog, others who i seem to geek out with.

for those of you who read this in a hurry, go fuck yourselves.

No, no i kid.... the long/short of the following verbal-diahrrea is something like this:

I guess my de-railed train of thought had something to do with how we are ALL a bunch of assholes and noisemakers and shameless self-promoters and work sucks, bureaucracy follows fear and leaves in its wake not too much but organized and rationalized-away chaos.

.............................

...and now... you can each pretend that you are the unique and ENIGMATIC (yeah i went there, send out the cliche cops, lock me up in writers' hell and shove the key up your ass....) individual to whom i am addressing (however vaguely) throughout the remainder of this little gem of a post.

So...your little rant last nite about the bullshit of it all...work/life/the idiots who fill the spaces in-between, etc.... well, it made me think and i enjoy ranting in print much better, since my god-forsaken excuse for a cell phone is fucking horrible, and i may/may not have an audience of two in my overly-interested parents.... (aaand of course, the 'real time' rant leaves me without the option of 'backspace' and cut/paste editing options.... so thanks for that, michael dell. way to drop out of U.T. and still make me and my degree your bitch.)

wow, i've gone too far....(pulling the reigns back in...)....

anywayyy.... i guess i just wanted to let you know that... yeah, the pecking order in things has a funny way of ALWAYS being fucking wrong, wrong, and wronger. as in, i am in total agreement with you and your frustrations about why ass-backwards ways of thinking seem to prevail while logic and common sense and humility tend to get swept under the rug at work and just in general, really...

however, (and this is the part you didn't hear from me last night because i didn't get to type it till now...) i think what you sound like you could use is a bit of (dum.dum.dum....)

....Perspective.

preferably of an up-tempo, optimistic and unassumingly happy nature.

and not to worry, here's my two cents:

It's an undeniable and certain fact of unequivical truth: everybody and everything will not cease to amaze me/infuriate me/make me want to throw up in my mouth, but i can't even do it so i just cry.........

but since you can't change the endless series of ass-fuckings that life and work and ur boss and my landlord, and your wi-fi connection, and my cell phone, etc. will continue to dish out forever and ever..........

it's really counter-productive and self-defeating and to even entertain these shitheads and their agendas long enough to get angry about it.

basically? your anger is worthless to the people and stuff you have aimed it at...

... it's like you getting angry over these retards = trading in a dollar bill for a hundred pennies... it helps you none, and you're bound to lose your shit more easily that way. ;)

okay, horrendous example, fiiiine...

but here's a better version of my thinking:

i've tried it, i'm sure you have too, but you should hear it again anyway: being angry and bitter and spiteful and debbie-downer or captain destructo in response to the 'way' of things as you described to me? yeah, it is just the most pointless waste of energy and here's why:

* because getting a rise out of these types, (as in, the potentially-slashed-throat-

and-orphaned-their-kids) of people is impossible if they aren't looking your way as it is. (clearly, it's tough to see clearly with your head rammed so far up your own ass..or that of your employer.)

* because invoking and/or inciting change by way of blunt-force trauma to another person's ego or similar methods just don't ever lead to anything you'd want to put on your resume. be serious, what kinda dumbass would limp away from a verbal beatdown and say, "ohh you are so right...now i see!"

*and because, even if you made your point and bitch-slapped 'em all right back? most likely, you're up against people and group-mentalities who are lacking the kinda stuff it takes to care about how you feel; like empathy, self-awareness, respect, etc... (otherwise, i doubt you would be apt to get so angry with them in the first place.

afterall, everybody can make a bad call or two..... and expect to be forgiven for it, i guess......... but bad people? bad policy? bad news bears? that's unforgivable by design.

* haha, sorry, sorry... yeah no, the point there (i'm reaching, here...) was something about people who suck are not gonna see that they suck, nor why they suck, nor are they going to suddenly stop sucking. so stop caring, and let it go....(all of it.)

what the fuck, it's way more fun to laugh about how absurd shit can be when you're just over it and the hair-pulling/wall-punching/counting-to-ten/throat-slashing can just be some fodder for the memoir later on....but no longer consumes you, because you're too busy yukkin' it up at all the silly people and their nonsense-talk to get angry.

And that's what i had to do eventually... it's not like i have some awesome story of why, i guess... but i did get to a point in my rage where it was just unbearable and alienating, and then one day it all changed when it spilled out of me onto the paper, i couldn't stop it- like rain.

and so it couldn't have been any other way, my rage runneth over and i, like a cracked and forgotten-about tea pot on a stove in a house in hell...... i started. writing. it all down.

...and whatta ya know?

Soon enough, it was obvious in reading what i'd written that nobody i was so mad at had any clue that they were a deuschebag. it's crazy to catch that precious glimpse of reality in one of those rare moments of lucidity i have had only a handful of times.... (i believe the catch-phrase, abused cliche term calls it an A-HA MOMENT. fuck that, i like taking a whole paragraph to explain myself.) yeah well, i had one at some point along the way, which led to the wacked-out truth i had to admit (quietly...), that whatever the object of your fury happens to be--

---it has no fucking clue what you're SO pissed off about!!!

yes, it is a truth so fucking frustrating and it leaves me like... i want to punch out my eardrums with a ballpoint pen. That said, a fact about human nature which i find so UNNERVING, yet so patently true across all types of divides that it actually served to calm me down/talk me down/lift me up and out of my anger pit. ugh, fucking adderall.... THAT SENTENCE SHOULD BE SHOT IN THE FACE AND LEFT FOR DEAD.

(and yet, it will never know the rage i feel for it...touche, irony. touche indeed.)

But what was even crazier to swallow- admitting that even if i were to unleash the fury on the fucker who i had set my sights on for vengence? well... the release would be a hollow and empty and hopelessly short-lived solo victory;nowhere else but in my own swollen ego/pride-licking its-wounds-with-other-lion-cubs-corner-of-my-brain-somewhere...)

it would never be worth the fallout or the built up tension or even the energy kinetic it took to push the boulder off the edge of the angry cliff. why, you ask?

answser: because experience shows, (in my life, at least...i assume i'm not alone in this either), that not a single 'wrong' would be realized or accounted for; or even apologized for....

so let go. take it and throw it out the window and laugh at the sound it makes when it hits the pavement behind you, because that's always super-hilarious. i preached and probably pissed you off, and yeah...it was for the sheer fact that i didn't want to not care about you. or what you had to say.

hope that's okay, and that you want me to care. (cause i think i do....maybe.) :)

(and yes, i am fully aware of how preachy and selectively-sighted i sound here..but it's been a long time since i cared at all about anything or anyone enough to preach. fuck you, and just let me have my moment.... ) ;)

.................................

and so, i have exposed myself for what i really am... a quitter.

i turn out to be little more than an easily-amused quitter-of-giving-a-fuck about most things anyway.

because i think we share a similar sense of irony in the face of ass-backwards people/situations/circumstances, etc.

Know how I know that, smartass?

(answer: you kept reading.)