this. just. in.

even though you will never care nearly enough to keep me from thinking things about the washing machine and how i ought to live within the spin cycle and maybe then i would at least feel not so filthy and i would be right at home in the tumbling and the chaos except for the proof about me and how its not okay and safe for the pets or your boyfriend perhaps or anything organic and of value, or blenders and to think of how wrong and misleading was that welcome mat in front of the door you used to leave ajar but then again, i used to leave me and my law books and your change jar everywhere for you to sort through like wreckage, like whispering neighbors and the silent wall that i could talk to honestly or something that looked like it, but probably was loose with its lips like i was that one time in the summer with the heat of the lens and how we got high and the guy i didn't know and still don't know was right there with us, and even though i tried to not be a prude and get dressed and leave in a puff of well-timed smoke, i could not and i reasoned to myself in the guy's hairy old bathroom all alone and buzzing humming body moving independently weaving in and out in front of the mirror i watched and i looked to myself like i was in one of those chairs at the pharmacy the ones with the aggressive massages and i tried to remember the word i wanted for it, in this stranger's balmy coffin with a sink in it and i hear laughing out in the creepy darkroom, the one i know what it's used for and i want to be used for something tonight like a shiatsu back roller too hard and too much and inappropriately timed and with too many people in plain sight to relax and let reflex and convex meet concave in the summer it came like fruit flies that time quick as a flash of that random camera lens and shorter than a whole lifetime of a fruit fly maybe or did we somehow breathe life into immortality that night like negatives thrown into the Hudson we panicked at the light of day and our eyes never really met after that happened , although there was still the sex and you never did know where i went all the time but judging by hindsight and door hinges lined up and locks changed and me left behind and the end of summer and you in a taxi in Gramercy and not watching and you do not mind that i will regret that summer and every night since you took what remained of me and your change jar and you kept your word more or less still i wish you were more loose and more me and less this.